The Messianic Box

I hated Christianity.  I couldn’t find a pastor that actually taught truth (after 25+ years of looking), cared about the spiritual growth of his people or making Truth come alive.  Everything was stagnant, smiley, joy-joy cushiness that did nothing for stirring up an enthusiasm for the Word.  What I believed (what the Word says) and what they taught never matched up.  It was more about kum-ba-ya ‘fellowship’ and sitting around ‘sharing’ (aka gossiping) than anything else.  People never wanted to commit themselves, because putting Messiah first meant foregoing what THEY wanted to do.

I know whom I have believed.  I’ve had a close relationship with Messiah in the past, and (aside from a recent trip into the desert), I have a close relationship with Him now.  Even when I went to ‘furch’ (fake+church), I had what I needed… even though it NEVER came from them.

So I split. I found TorahClass and it changed my life, because it WAS Truth, and more than that, it was Truth on fire.  And suddenly I started coming across more and more sites by Messianic Jews that seemed so inspiring, so… something.

I started trying to CHANGE things.  It wasn’t ‘God’, it was “Yahweh”.  It wasn’t ‘Jesus’, it was “Yeshua”.  It wasn’t “Christ”, it was “Messiah”.  Yeah, go ahead and TRY to change the song from “Jesus loves Me” to “Yeshua loves Me”.  It doesn’t work.  Try to change the verse “For God so loved the World” to “For Yahweh so loved the World”.  It doesn’t WORK.  It’s like trying to shove a circle in a square spot.

And it got worse as I watched my mom and sister dive in head-first with… absolutely no clue what they were/are doing.  Talk about fricking things up in a major, MAJOR way… they don’t say the prayer we do, because it ends in ‘For Jesus’ sake, Amen’.  ((And I tried changing it, but it just doesn’t flow, nobody remembers because that’s not the way we learned it, and HELL, that’s NOT the way the sucker GOES.))  Now their Bibles aren’t good enough, and they’ve bought Complete Jewish Bibles, and even THAT isn’t good enough, because they want margin-space to write in, so they’re scanning, re-sizing, and printing every. single. page. of. their. Bibles.  And no, I’m NOT kidding.

I sat on the side of the bed the other night and cried out to the Lord.  Father, I am having SUCH a hard time.  We used to be so close, our relationship SO easy.  I was simply with You, and You were simply with me.  My faith WAS strong then.  There were problems with ‘c’hurch, but there wasn’t a struggle within me.  Not like there is, now.  I feel like I don’t know what to call You, who You are, what I’m supposed to do, how I’m going to make the changes needed…

What changes are needed?

Well, the Messianics call you Yahweh/Yehovah/Yeshua.  I keep falling into calling you God or Jesus, I don’t know if I’m coming or going half the time in that respect.

Did I answer you before?

Well, yes, but…

Then who says a change is needed?

It’s EXPECTED, Lord.  That’s what Messianics do.

Anna, listen to yourself.  You know better.  I am that I am, in any language.  There’s no need to make changes for the sake of something.
All you need is to hold fast to the Someone dearest to you.  Don’t complicate matters this way.  It separates you from Me all too easily.

And all of a sudden, it hit me… I was trying to climb in another God-accursed box.  This time the label on it was “Messianic Judaism”.   It meant doing what others did for the sake of appearing some way or belonging to a group.  As if my walk was EVER about belonging to a group.  Or following a recipe to become something.  He was right.  I have a relationship, regardless of what I align myself with.  It’s not about the externals, it’s about the condition of your heart and it’s place regarding Messiah.  PERIOD.

If it separates you from Me, then it’s not right.  No matter what anyone says.  Walking with Me isn’t supposed to be complicated.  It’s not supposed to be work.  It’s supposed to be far more intimate and in that *I* will tell you what I need from you.  If you’re listening to people or trying to fit a stigma, your eyes aren’t on me.  And besides, since when did you give a fig about that kind of thing, Anna?  I gave you a strength to walk away from that kind of thing.

Well.  I guess if THAT didn’t effect me, I don’t know what would.  This is why I posted what I posted yesterday.  I’m no longer a ‘c’hrischun, but I’m sure as not going to leap from one flawed group to another flawed group and align myself under rules and expectations that aren’t actually found in the Truth.  ((I read just this morning about a Messianic wedding complete with glass breaking – which ISN’T in scripture… and I’ve ditched another Messianic read of mine because I feel like I’ve had the whole “thou shalt wear a headcovering” BULLshit down my throat WAY too many times (It’s becoming more of a provoking, now).  I don’t NEED that pressure.  The pressure to rearrange songs that have taught my heart about the love of my Savior my whole life… What a friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear, what a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer.  It’s Lydia’s hymn in home-ed this month… and it means the same to me that it did BEFORE I ‘converted’ to MessyJudaism (haha).  I don’t have to CHANGE the names and frick up the song for the sake of some label, hello.  I’m TIRED of trying to conform.  I am that I am… in any language.

Yesterday my mom complained that she didn’t know what to tell people.  “I’m NOT a chrischun,” she said, “But if you say you’re a Messianic Jew, people hear the ‘Jew’ part, and they get confused and it all goes downhill from there.”  ((TELL me about it.))  I said, “Just tell them you’re Torah Observant.”  But that doesn’t really fix things, either… because we don’t exactly sacrifice bulls and goats or stone the child that talks back to his mother… and I mix milk ingredients with meat ingredients… whaddya know.

I’m SICK of the identity crisis.  It’s become a MAJOR stumbling block to my faith.  I know whom I have believed.  That is GOOD enough for me.  And I’m not anything.  I don’t WANT to be.  I fit best with the Messianic Judaism outlook and belief system, but what I am is a Follower of Messiah.  Period.  And who CARES what you call me.  As long as I know whom I have believed, you can call me pineapple upside down cake for all I flippin’ care.

And that’s ALL I have to say on the subject.

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