´¯`•. January 02, 2015

Best Friend

I have a lot of hurt and anger towards a certain group of people from my past.  A christian Bible study group that I called ‘friends’ decades ago, who I felt like I had to beg to be nice to me.   Even typing that, it seems laughable.  Why am I bringing this up, now?  Because this week I found myself doing it, again.  I sent a friend request to one of them, after already having been rejected by two others in the past on Facebook.  Apparently I’m a glutton for punishment.  But the truth of the matter is that I was *hoping* that time had softened them.  Made them better people.  That time had made me a better person for them.  They didn’t even take the time to find out.  But at least I tried… or so I’m telling myself, while swallowing back hurt.  ((I have since rescinded the request.  I gave him 36 hours, and that was enough.  He was kind of the unspoken ring-leader, so if he rejects me, it’s over.  And it’s over.))

I sent out a message to someone else about the same time.  Our friend Ken doesn’t post much on FB… so a while ago, I friended his new wife to keep up with him.  They live in Oklahoma, and I’ve never met her IRL… so I wasn’t sure if she would accept my request, but she did.  Because I don’t know her well, I tried to keep it to occasionally ‘liking’ stuff, and keeping a low profile, not commenting too much.  Only this week I found out that she and Ken were splitting.  So I messaged her… since I’m friends with her because of Ken, did she still want to be my friend?  Was it awkward?  Because I didn’t want to cause her hurt, and would bow out, if she was uncomfortable.  She said she definitely wanted to keep our friendship – that she feels we’ve become FB friends on our own, by associating with each other on-line.  That really did a TON for my hurting heart.  A total stranger accepted me, when old friends wouldn’t.  It felt like the Lord was showing me that just because a certain group of… them weren’t accepting, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t people out there that are.  I needed that, desperately.

As if that wasn’t enough… at the same time, I was working on holiday cards, and had two addresses in my book for our good friend Shawn (who’s never on FB… his wife is.).  So at the same time as these things were happening, I also sent a friend request to Shawn’s wife.  I don’t really know his wife, so I wasn’t sure if she’d want anything to do with me.  After all, we only met once (they live in Kansas).  If my Bible study ‘friend’ who I spent a lot of time with in the past wouldn’t accept me, why should people who don’t know me to accept me?  But amazingly?  She accepted my request that same night!  It also went a LONG way toward helping the serious hurt I was dealing with in my heart.

When I vbest friendisited her FB, I saw this picture meme… and it fit my situation SO extremely well.  Almost like the Lord had her put it there, just for me.  I wanted SO badly for my old friends to care about me, to love me.  And you know, they never did?  They didn’t.  They don’t.  As I said, I have a lot of anger/hurt where they’re concerned because of the amount of rejection… And not just that, but I had turned to them for encouragement to get out of my situation with my mother – even as a college student – and they refused to stand by me.  Quite the jolt, to realize that I’m seriously whacked for still – as recently as this week! – having begged these people to love me.

So I needed this meme.  I needed to be told to focus on loving myself.  Because mostly?  I don’t.  And the realization is like ripping off a band-aid… has left me feeling horribly raw.

The very next morning after the friend requests and meme, I pulled out Helen Reddy’s CD… I have NO idea why – likely He wanted me to – and I heard the song that I posted at the top of this page.  And something terrible happened.  First, let me post the lyrics:

Would you take better care of yourself
Would you be kinder to yourself
Would you be more forgiving of your human imperfections
If you realized your best friend was yourself

Who is always with you everywhere
Who is on your side when others are unfair
And tell me, who will never let you down in any situation
Who will always see you get your share

And that’s why I am a best friend to myself
And I take me out whenever I feel low
And I make my life as happy as a best friend would
I’m as nice to me as anyone I know

When I heard this, my jaw dropped.  I called my kids over to listen to the words.  When we got to the second verse, my kids did something horrible.  Devastating to me.  They heard who is always with you everywhere… and shouted “YEHOVAH!!”  Who is on your side…YEHOVAH!  Who will never let you down… who will always see you get your share…  “YEHOVAH!!

I’m pretty sure right now you’re shocked that I said this is horrible… but it is.  Because it’s exactly how I was raised to answer.  There was NO other answer than God for that one.  And it’s WRONG.  It’s half the reason life went so terribly, terribly wrong on so many levels.  Because I was taught to put everything in HIS hands and wait for HIM to take care of me for me…. while He had already given me everything I needed to take care of me, and was there to pave the way.  But I wouldn’t take a step.  I wanted Him to take it for me.  Do you see what I’m saying?  Brian tried to explain it to the kids like this:  God can give you all the food you need, but YOU have to put it in your mouth.

I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Messiah Yeshua;  That in every thing ye are enriched by him, in all utterance, and in all knowledge;  Even as the testimony of Christ was confirmed in you:  So that ye come behind in no gift; waiting for the coming of our Lord Messiah Yeshua…  1 Corinthians 1:4-7

This past week, I learned that I’ve been starving myself.  All my life, I starved myself, and wasn’t my own best friend.  I wasn’t nice to me.  I didn’t make myself happy.  I begged God to make me happy, instead.  I wanted other people to help me be happy.  That frigging church is so hellbent on teaching people to rely on God and to seek fellowship… that they don’t teach the importance of self care.   And I looked EVERYWHERE for love except on my own back doorstep.

Can I add that it tickles me to death that Hollywood had a NUN singing this?

There are two greatest commandments in Mark 12.  The first is to love the Lord your God.  But do you know what the second is?  To love your neighbor… AS YOU DO YOURSELF.  The church reads those verses and says, “It’s JOY:  Jee-zus first, Others second, Yourself last”.   It’s a lie.  It’s a LIE.  You can’t love others until you love yourself FIRST.  The Bible says so.  You love them as you already love yourself.   The church has THAT wrong, too.  I hate the church.  I hate it with a passion I can’t begin to articulate.  My whole life, I ate up the lies.  I crutched on God because I was taught to.  I crutched on others because I was taught to.   And I put myself dead last – pretty much not at all, truth be told.  The ramifications of that?  Unspeakable.

What. A. Revelation.  I’m still smarting with it.

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