____________ June 09, 2015 ____________

The Green-Eyed Monster

greeneyeYesterday, I was attacked by the green eyed monster.
And it was THE stupidest thing, ever.

Honestly?  I’ve envied this girl for the better part of two decades.  Always.  I’ve never felt like I had it together like she has.  She’s a golden girl – beautiful voice, plays a string instrument, sings like a nightingale, gets all the good roles on stage, pretty, loved by everyone, beautiful inside and out… I have never seen ANYTHING not go this girl’s way.  I think she was even valedictorian at her school.  She’s Ms. Perfect.  And I’ve always been utterly intimidated by her, as a result.

Yesterday, I read a lot more about her… because she’s featured in an article in the newspaper.  She went to college in HAWAII, finished her degree, spent time in California and Colorado, came home and landed this high profile job doing wonderful things for children and community… and I’m just going, ‘Is there NOTHING that isn’t gold that she touches?’  I read that she married an Air Force vet.  (((Air Force!!)))   I just… man!

And I found myself back in my old habits, comparing myself to her.  I don’t have a high profile job.  I don’t do wonderful things for the community and its youth.  I never finished my degree, I always wanted to play a stringed instrument, I wish I were beautiful inside and out, but I know I’m definitely NOT loved by everyone , I’m not pretty, anymore… and I’ve never been to Hawaii or Colorado or California.  No, I sit in a little house in the woods, doing the same thing, day after day after day.  I’m nothing.  I fall so short, on every level.

This was the accepted reality for two hours, straight… until Ha’Shem grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and shouted, “You are SO annoying!  Cut this out!!”  ((He’s kinda brutal, where I’m concerned.  But I need it, so I typically don’t complain.))  He said, “You don’t even WANT to go to California, what in the heck are you DOING/THINKING??!??!??!

And I stopped in my tracks.  Wait, that’s right!  I don’t want to go to California.  I don’t even want to go to Colorado.  I don’t want a high profile job and I don’t like community or other people’s children.  I don’t need a degree to do what I do.  And I certainly never aspired to be valedictorian… I just wanted to be in the top tier of the honor roll (in high school… in college I was Dean’s List, and that was satisfying enough.).  Why was I looking at her life, and thinking it was all that, and that I was so lacking?

I must not be too shabby.  I went to college for free…  I produced the show she directed.  I starred opposite her in three plays.  I proficiently play the piano – hands down the most difficult instrument.  I’m even getting better at guitar.  I sang as many solos as she did on-stage.  I might not do things for locals, but I write spiritual stuff more far-reaching than that.  And I’m cute… in a kind of chubby way, no?

That’s when I realized… I have it SO MUCH better than she does.  I can stay home as much or little as I want.  Every day!  I get to educate myself and my own offspring, myself.  While she’s at work, I can wander beneath shimmering leaves in breezy forests, boil down maple syrup or can home grown salsa.  While she’s dealing with other people’s kids, I get to sketch and nurture my interests.  I may not go to California, but we have some amazing adventures, and we’re seeing and doing and learning, every single day.  I’ve lived military, had the experiences, but have cultivated a ‘landing spot’ for us, since then.  I’ve worked hard to create the kind of place other people only dream of.  And we have no debt… outside of Brian’s truck.  I have FIVE children, a husband who thinks I’m smart and funny and creative.  Could I be any more blessed?!?!

We humans are silly, aren’t we?  We ‘grass is greener’ stuff, almost naturally.  We fall into these things almost like it’s second nature.  Even when OUR grass is far more lush than anything out there.  I… just need to realize how amazing things are in this life that’s been given to me.  Because when it comes right down to it?  I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything else.

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