___________February 24, 2016__________

Writing Woes

I may be coming to the end of my correspondence thing.

Truth: I read an ‘e-mail’ book.  A book composed entirely of e-mails from one person to another.  I got it because it was a spin off Jane Austen, and I have a thing for Jane Austen books (and books related to, re-tellings, hints within the themes…)  Anyhow, it was a strange book.  I wasn’t sure about it, at first.  The reviews were either ‘love it’ or ‘hate it’ – the ‘hate it’ people accusing the author of copycatting an old classic book called ‘Daddy Long Legs’.  ‘Daddy Long Legs’ happens to be in our collection of classics (<< Lydia’s read it and LOVES it), so I figured…  Yeah, well… anyhow.  I can’t really explain what it did to me, to read the e-mails of someone SO SIMILAR to me in writing style and angst and… stuff.  Just stuff.

And don’t get me wrong – the story was beautiful, I loved the telling/writing, I loved the characters and drama… and it ended as I expected/hoped, but it bothered me, too.  I recognized my own writing in the book – my personality in the heroine.  And I came away feeling like I was a sham knock-off of a book or something, and that’s just BAD, all the way around.

I’ve been having trouble with my pen-pals, anyhow.  Mostly with Josh – he’s a crude builder dude from Missouri, and he disrespects his wife, belittles my beliefs, and is just rough – all the way around.  He barely writes, but expects mail in spite of that, and… frankly, I haven’t enjoyed him the way I had liked writing to Cal.  I kept hoping he just wouldn’t write back, and this past week he went four days without writing.  (He’d left his keys in the truck while he was at the gym, because he doesn’t like carrying keys, and when he came out, his truck and all his tools and builder stuff was gone.)

And you KNOW that this isn’t a good time to drop the dude.  He’s all ‘sorry I haven’t written, but the insurance and the deductible and the lack of tools and the trouble at work and the non-stop fighting with my wife, and…’   And what?  And I’m going to throw him to the curb, in the midst of all of that?!  You KNOW that ain’t gonna happen.

I hate e-mail.

So I simply suggested that maybe calling our correspondence friendship fun and over would free him up from one obligation and make things easier on him.  You know – ditch him without him feeling like he was ditched.  It totally worked, so that’s a relief for me, too.

People are like the critters under the pilings at a seaside marina.  Who the hell knows what they are.  Sometimes they’re kind of interesting – sometimes ugly, sometimes really kewl – but you don’t take them HOME, you just look, smile, and let them go on their way.  Like browsing the pen-pal requests for a smile, but not writing to them.  I think I’m starting to learn.  Maybe.  A little late, but there’s a lesson to be had, here, isn’t there?

With the other guy (my Seattle pen-pal), I’m starting to feel stupid, being the only one sending pictures and sharing FB links and making videos and e-mailing little clips and stuff… the flibberty-jibbit that be-bops around the inbox with attachments and links and all sorts of silly stuff, coming off as some sort of blonde moron.  Meanwhile, he’s full of excuses.  He writes, and he’s articulate, but… it’s not as fun on my end as it is on his.

I think the thing is, I used to be friendless and GOOD with it.  I’m half afraid that this whole thing – FRIENDSHIPS, pen-pals, connecting with people, meeting moms at homeschool places, seeing BFF more than 4 times a year – it’s a sign of socializing, but at the expense of my spiritual life.  Before I was close to God, and NOT close to man.  Now I’m saturated in human relationships, and He has never felt so very far away.  Do I like this?  ((no.))  And yet it’s happening, and it seems like a monster with it’s own mind, weaving around me whether I want/like it or not.

I think this might be a good 89% of my problem, at the moment.  Not being where I want to be – spiritually or relationally.  I need to shed people weight and gain back ground with the Lord, but at the same time… it’s been NICE spending so much time with BFF.  It was NICE clicking with someone at hiking group, Monday.  It’s been NICE, writing to the Seattle pen-pal.  I loved writing with Cal.

But there’s a cost, right?  There’s always a cost.  And likely it’s that I seem to be turning into an ‘EveryChick’, if exact replicas of who I am can be found on the pages of a book!  That was never my intention, ever.  It’s horrible.  Something HAS to give.  Human fellowship tends to replace heavenly fellowship, and that’s NOT desirable.  That probably sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?  Not NORMAL, anyhow, but that’s the point.

I don’t know.  But I’m thinking maybe it’s time to back into my hole, a little, and get a breather?

I’m just so darn *torn* about stuff.  And it’s STO_oPID.

So I may have to take a break from writing to the pen-pal.  Come here and blog the way I used to, instead.  This is good – it’s safe, it’s not *reaching* out, but rather being me in my own space, you know?  After all, I don’t have to be all up in someone’s inbox to vent.  I’ve used the blog for years… that’s what it’s there for, right?  I can just do that, instead.

We’ll see what happens with that.

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