___________March 13, 2016__________

The Day Before and After

So much to talk about, so little that should actually be said…!!  You know I have no filter.  I should probably warn you to brace yourself, but then *everything* I write should come with that warning.  😛

The play was GREAT.  No, really – it was done by middle schoolers from an inner city christian school, so it was so clean, it wasn’t even bad enough to be rated ‘G’ (<< like the movie version).  They cut out Leisl’s kiss… AND the baroness, entirely!!  I was absolutely shocked.  The role I played?  It wasn’t in this version of the show!  Neither of my songs, not a mention of her…!!  Apparently Christians feel dating/breaking up is sinful?  I know Brian’s mother felt that way.  Brian’s mom found out that I’d been long-distance engaged for eight months [clarification: he proposed over a phone and I broke it off over a phone – we never saw each other ONCE the entire time, and only ‘dated’ one week, before that].  But Brian’s mom was certain I was ‘used goods’ and ‘probably tainted’ and not worthy of dating her son.  She never liked me after that.  Honestly, she didn’t like me *before* that, either – she was just looking for an excuse to have for her dislike.  I wasn’t a good enough person for her/him.  I’ve never been a good enough person for anyone, for the record.

ANYHOO…!  The kids loved the show.  They copied the movie a little too much for me, but because the audience was elementary school kids, it was understandable – they wanted the littles to recognize it.  Did you know ‘Sound of Music’ played in a cinemaplex in Grand Rapids for TWO YEARS after it’s release, and it was so ‘clean’ and ‘acceptable’, that for thousands of people across the state, it was the first movie they were allowed to see?  (I knew it was my mom’s first movie, but I didn’t understand the scope of the thing!)

Since we were very close to where Brian works, I called and invited him to lunch with us.  It was a treat for us all, getting together like that in the middle of the work day.  Then I drove alllllllllllllll the way to the boonies to pay for and pick up our tax paperwork from the IRS person, then drove alllllllllllllllllll the way back to the building next to where we had lunch in GR (!!) for an oil change.  LoL!  Yeah, well… the appt with the IRS people couldn’t be put off for the time it took for an oil change, you see.  And I *needed* the oil change – I was *trying* to help get things ready for our GWL trip, and my car was in need, anyhow.  Then we drove to one town (library and grocery store), and another town (library), and by the time we’d been all over kingdom come, I was DONE and we came home.

We screwed up, last night.  Well, technically *I* screwed up, since I’m the only one who gives a flying fig in this household about the stuff of Heaven.  It was Shabbat.  We have to go get critter food (which is a lunch run) today, so Saturday Shabbat is out, unless we eat before 6:46, tonight.  Which is an hour early, and nobody is ready at that time, especially with Him planning on being out in the barn until the sun sets.  But nobody else even cares to help me figure this stuff out, so I’m totally on my own.  More on this to come.

You should’ve seen… Isaac was UP a tree.  Scared the crap out of me – he was UP there, at least thirty feet!  I didn’t LIKE that.  Boys have no fear.  I got a picture, but all I could think was, “If he falls…!!!”  I’m such a mom, apparently.  That one is going to turn my hair gray right thru the blonde hair dye.

We ended up watching ‘Eagle Eye’ later at night – a movie I love, although you wouldn’t care for it at all.  It’s very conspiracy theory, and implausible on SO many levels, you wouldn’t deal well with it.  Personally I can suspend reality for that one – it feeds my distrust of Big Brother.  The kids wanted to see it – hadn’t remembered it.  They do, now!

Brian (of course) had work in the barn, so we put the kids to bed and he went outside.  And I was in a funk over Shabbat, and the fact that it hadn’t even REGISTERED with me – what kind of an example am I ?? – and what really sucks is that I have FOUR boys.  Boys emulate their father, and Brian doesn’t care about Shabbat at all.  They’re going to grow up with no faith, in spite of my best efforts, and it breaks my heart.  It’s hard enough to instill a love of the Lord and learning in them… but to be stuck doing it alone?!

So I got out 1 Corinthians to start working on chapter four.  At least I could get MYSELF in the Word, right?  It was late to start, but something’s better than nothing.  I was doing my Bible journaling, markers out, Bible, journal, and the CJV (Stearns), for another ‘take’ on things, just to compare.  Brian comes in, shoves my markers out of reach, grabs the CJV and starts flipping thru it, and is all, “So… are you ready for me to shut down the computer?”

Which, I’ll admit, doesn’t sound like anything big, but the lack of interest in spiritual things *REALLY* builds in me.  I’d already missed the nicer opportunity for Shabbat, and then he comes in, disrupts my train of thought, messes with my stuff, and starts making this piddly small talk with NO respect for what I’m doing or consideration for what’s important to me.  And it’s just the way it is.  Twenty years, I should be used to this, honestly.  But I got PEEVED, and said, “How would you feel if you were in the middle of lining something up in the machine, and I came out and moved your tools, grabbed your plans and started pestering you about coming inside?  I don’t do that to you!  And yet you plop down and do that to me?”

The man has NO sense of self-preservation, either.  He knows that rationalizing his behavior away is NEVER the way to go with me, but inevitably, that’s what he does.  So he’s all, “Well, it wouldn’t have been a big deal if you didn’t make it one!”  (((!!!!!!!)))  See what I mean?  No sense of self-preservation.  It’s like he says, “Hey honey… come rip a piece of me, right now.”  So… basically if I didn’t CALL him on inconsideration and disrespect for someone else, it’d be ‘fine’?  !!!!!!!  If I was irritated before, it just got a LOT worse.

I saw this thing, once, about how people will have an argument.  Things will be said, and those things ADD TO the original hurt, like extra bricks being added to a wall that is coming between the people.  And the lack of care and the further insults and/or other hurts just make that wall taller and taller.  And it’s so typical for people to just apologize for the one brick that started everything, but they don’t ever consider the sixteen other bricks they *also* threw up, there.  Y’know?  And that is SO classic Brian and I.  I’ve got seventeen hurts, and he flippantly tosses a ‘sorry’ at me, that I’m supposed to apply to any one of them that I feel like, and that’s supposed to make EVERYTHING better.  Um… not even.

And it’s not just that.  I fester pretty much constantly, somewhere WAY in the back of my head, about how he has no interest in things of faith.  And faith is HUGE for me… and therefore a constant bone of contention.  And if he messes with my other stuff (yarn, crafting, whatever), it’s no big, but I’m *TOUCHY* already about things spiritual.  When he tosses around and doesn’t respect or consider that scripture study is more important to me…?  It’s bad.  He doesn’t register this, at all.  And it hurts.  Anyhow, we go around and around, at least once or twice a year – where it’ll all build inside of me, and I’ll end up miserable and hurt, and HE thinks it’s all about ‘being inconsiderate at the table’ and never takes it deeper.  Which also hurts.  And I’m not going to keep throwing it up between us – it’s pointless – but it’s THERE, y’know?  And that he doesn’t see it just rips at me.

And when we fight, he goes into “GOTTA FIX IT!!!!” mode, and it’s just smothering.  “Are you done being mad?  Are we okay yet?  Are you over this?  Do you forgive me?”  (<< LOVE that one, too – for what???)  I just get even more pissed at the vague that always happens, after, and the prodding and pestering… and I just want him to go away.  Go. Away.  Leave me alone.

And then he starts the jokes.  See, I have this thing where if someone else is smiling or laughing, I laugh/smile, whether I want to or not.  So he thinks that everything will be GREAT if he gets me laughing.  So in the middle of all of this, he starts being ‘cute’.  ((!!))  I’m not laughing because I’m amused.  I’m laughing because he’s laughing… and I’m even more *LIVID* because he’s playing this STO_opid game that makes him feel like he’s off the hook at MY expense.  But he doesn’t really care, as long as she’s smiling, right?  It’s all good, right?!

And another game he plays has to do with the fact that I don’t hold on to anger overnight.  It’s a curse, but I have this tendency to get over stuff, partially because the emo is gone, an partially because I’m blonde and things just kind of pass to the back of my mind (or out, entirely).  So he knows that by the next day, we’ll be fine.  So he doesn’t REALLY give a shit, he just has to pretend until tomorrow, right?  (This also makes me hurt/mad.  A husband shouldn’t play games with his wife’s emotions.  Personal opinion, of course, but then I’m the emo one, so it’s probably negatable.)

Anyhow, we go thru this in cycles.  There’ll be a flare-up of ‘he doesn’t love the Lord’ that KILLS me, but then it’ll get shoved to the very back of consciousness, and life will go on without the idiot wife’s moody Bible shit  (He had the gall last night to tell me I always get testy when I touch a Bible – like it’s SCRIPTURE that is the problem!!!)  Anyhow, mostly life goes on, and I deal.  Because that’s what I do.  And he doesn’t care.  Because honestly?  He doesn’t have to.  He does what he has to in order to humor me, and we both know it.

It’s my fault.  I knew he didn’t really have faith.  I was stupid – I told him that I would never marry a man who wasn’t ‘born again’ – a Christ follower.  So he was all, “Well, THAT’S easy enough to fix!”  So he went to church with me, prayed a prayer and *Bam!*  He’s a Christ follower.  Free ticket to heaven.  Now we’re all set.  Moving on…!!  Let’s get married!  And what am I supposed to say, after that?!

And I hate being in a marriage of unequal yoking (2 Cor 6:14).  I *HATE* it.  And I… screwed myself.  And that’s just the way it is.  He isn’t going to give a crap because I want him to, and that’s now how it works, anyhow!  I just… need to let this go.  It’d be easier to do if it weren’t SO important to me.

The timing is bad.  We’re leaving for GWL sometime tomorrow (he wants to work in the morning/afternoon in the barn, so I’m not sure when, or how this will work).  I’m a little upset by that, but trying not to show a hint of it.  I mean, I get that the work has to be done.  But in a perfect world, he would actually have excitement for a mini-vacation, he would want to make stops along the way, see a few things, be anticipating.  He’s not – he’s trying to figure out how much extra time on Sunday he can get out of me without rocking the boat.  (And, of course, I’m not supposed to know this.)

Hopefully by the time we leave, I’ll be over it all and back to the status quo of suppressing it all in the back of my mind and living an oblivious life.  It’ll be all good – if he’s smart and doesn’t perpetuate things when he gets home from work.  I’m getting sick of work – not because of the work, itself, or the money, but I feel like I give a LOT on my side for him, so that he can be with the steel above and beyond, and he just doesn’t give anything back for me.  And I’m bitching, aren’t I?  I’m sorry.

Laundry, today.  To make sure everything is washed for packing, tomorrow morning.  Critter food store trip, so we have extra food to put out while we’re away.  Lunch out this afternoon, and I picked up the last Indiana Jones movie at the library, just so we can have finished the series.  (<< O/C chick doesn’t like things unfinished.)  So that’ll be tonight.  Maybe with a Sabbath in there, but if not, it’s not like anyone’s going to miss it.  *wince*

Maybe going away from everything and floating in a lazy river and riding water slides to distract will help.  At least it will cover the problem a while longer.  Help the latest flare up fade away.

Okay, I’m going.  I promised pictures of the play to a friend, and I’ve got to re-load the washer/dryer.  And I swear, a nap at 11am would not be out of the question.  I didn’t sleep well… and besides, when I get depressed, it seems to manifest in fatigue.  Until tomorrow…

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