__________ March 29, 2016 ___________

When Blondes have Issues

WoW, was today busy!!

The dentist called yesterday and said they had two cancellations for first thing this morning, if I wanted to bump two boys into them.  So I did.  And while we were there, she had another cancellation for 11am.  It was an hour between that would have to be killed, but it was okay, because we hadn’t had breakfast, yet!  So we grabbed McDonald’s breakfast, flew home, ate it quick and got another kid presentable-to-public, flew back, and were there for the eleven o’ clock appointment.  But I hadn’t intended to spend three hours in the car with the kids, this morning.  (The waiting room doesn’t work as well, with so many of us.)  They brought a movie, and that’s always a treat, in the car.  But, oi, the sitting…!!!

I’m doing better, still, too!  If Monday I had to do 15-minute increments, Tuesday was 30 minute intervals, and today’s an hour at a time.  So that’s really good!  Although I’m still taking the family and going swimming, tonight.  That made SUCH a huge difference!!  I swear, if there were such a thing as reincarnation, I’m thinking I’d request coming back as a thresher shark.  (This does not usurp as my favorite animal, though – I remain completely and adamantly attached to the turkey vulture, in that category!)

What helped the most was having a mental breakdown.  I know – that sounds absolutely ridiculous, right?  🙂   It’s okay… it’s not something other people resort to, probably.  It’s like this:  most people have two big metaphorical jars – one for positive emotion, and one for negative emotion.  For whatever reason, my negative emotion jar is teenie-eenie-weenie, while my propensity towards joy jar is enormous.  So anyhow, all pain, frustration, unhappiness… I only have a small threshold for it, and when that’s used up, apparently my system kind of doesn’t know what to do, so I go into ‘trying to swap out’ mode.  Which results in a rather messy explosion of ALL emotions.  Laughing and crying at the same time, and usually over something seriously small and kind of hilarious.  Don’t ask, you REALLY don’t want to know.

This actually used to happen quite a lot more often.  Back when I had to see my mother every other Friday, all day long, and she’d mess with me the ENTIRE time?  We’d come home, and I’d totally have a emotional breakdown, usually because I dropped something down my bra or something that ridiculous… and I’d start just laughing… and laughing… and then crying at the same time… like that.  Anyhow, it’s been a few years since there’s been a need for a massive emo dump like that – this was surprising.  I guess hurting for so long, so continuously got to me?  I don’t know.

But Lydia and Brian were having a BALL with it.  I was laughing so hard, the dimple in my cheek started to hurt.  Just… silly!  SO silly.  I don’t even know what was so silly, but I swear, it was hilarious.  Both of them were dying, I was using up SO much Kleenex… WoW.  Weird.  But I feel better (emotionally) today!  I think it’s because there was that big dump of negative emotion.  Hey, if it works, no?  😛

Anyhow, tap class was okay.  It seems like the more I move, the better thing feel, physically.  Kinda strange, but I can go with it.  EXCEPT it doesn’t seem to include walking or standing.  And we do a LOT of standing in tap class – while she’s explaining steps, or demonstrating steps, or hunting for music, or giving the old girls a rest… and standing is just a swift descent into discomfort.  Walking is a fast-track to pain.  But tap dancing is apparently fine?  You tell me – it makes NO sense!

Mz. Jen doesn’t like me.  Brian says it’s because I’m white.  But that’s not true, there are white girls she doesn’t mind… I’m just not one of them.  I hate it.  I feel this NEED to please the teacher and it’s futile, because I’m *never* going to please the teacher.  Maybe I’m too uncoordinated?  Except I’ve been feeling comfortable enough with my own steps to look up at others, and… well, I’m not the worst in the class by a long shot.  I’m not good, but there are quite a few struggling worse than I am, by a lot.  So it’s got to just be me.  And no, this is not something new – it happens more often than not, but that doesn’t mean I *like* it.  I just suck at the peoples.

FOUR PEOPLE DOWN, THREE TO GO with dental cleanings.  And so far?  NO CAVITIES!!!  Whooo-hooo!  This is huge with me, because they give me so. much. shit. about the fact that I won’t let them do Fluoride on my kids’ teeth.  We don’t fluoridate anything.  Haven’t in almost ten years.  No cavities in that amount of time, either – except in Isaac, who had Scarlet Fever as a baby, and now his teeth are weak (lack of enamel).  And… but… the boy don’t brush for crap, either.  When he does, he’s fine.  It’s NOT the Flouride that prevents cavities – that stuff is just poison, and we’re living proof of it.  But they demonize me for it, and I hate that.  Even at the dentist this morning – Ethan and I were sitting there, and the hygenist came out and asked if there were any concerns, and I said, “No, except for clarifying that you’re not to use Fluoride on the kids.”  The old man sitting across from me snapped his head up and STARED, like I was this evil mom who shouldn’t be allowed to expose my children to a toxin-free lifestyle.  What is THAT?!?!?  I’m a bad mom for it… probably would be reported to CPS, if they could make the concern stick.  That just grinds me.

But not a cavity in any of them (in three years – even in Isaac!), and no Fluoride in that time!

It comes on the heels of that ‘Branch Davidian’ thing, and I just get so sensitive about being judged, you know?  What, like doing things just because everyone else does them makes it RIGHT?  You *know* that ain’t true!  And like I haven’t read into things, to find out the pros and cons, and haven’t been watching the results?  I’m not a freak.  I just choose to make decisions for myself, and not because it’s what’s accepted, that’s all!

Speaking of, I was freak extraordinaire at tap class, last night, too.  I came in with my little gingham & ribbon topped mason jar of maple syrup for BFF, and (recall, this is inner city) these women are all, “Whassat you got in yo’ jar?  Whu?!  Maple Syrup, you say?  You mean dat that real kinda syrup, from a tree?  I di’n know people still did that no mo’!  How you do that?  Just take it from a tree?  What else you do like that?  Oh… goats?  You do that goat cheese?  Cuz I had me some o’ that goat cheese, once, and man, is that good stuff!  Not the milk – they say dat milk good for babies, but I tried some, thinkin’ it’d be all good?  It taste naaaa-steeeee!  Not like dat goat cheese.  Now that I like…!”

Sing along with me:
♪♫♪♫ One of these things is not like the others, one of these things, doesn’t belong… ♪♫♪♫

I should go.  I should check on boys. (They’re outside with branches.  Long ones.)  I should have Lydia check my pig-braids and see if they’re alright enough to wear to swim.  (((I’ve got pig-braids, today!))

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