____________ May 20, 2016 ___________

Stage Fright!!!!

TG[oodness]IF!  😀

Actually, my real reaction is probably the polar opposite.  I woke up this morning thinking, “Homigosh…!  It’s TODAY.”  As in… Costumes. Make-up.  Stage lights.  Cameras.  EVERYTHING.  Starting TODAY.

But first, yesterday.   LOTS of stuff from yesterday… and I didn’t even leave the house!  First, I put up that video on FB.  It didn’t get the response I’d hoped for.  Mostly I think I shocked people.  I’m afraid of shocking people even more with recital footage, so I’m not sure what to do.  But this morning I took the video down.  It’s probably best I not subject people to my bouncing chubbiness.  It’s kind of disconcerting, in hindsight.  Hindsight… whoa.  That’s kind of punny.  My friend Q was nice about it.  Other people spoke of ‘courage’, which – to be honest?  It’s probably indicative of something bad.

It has just come to my attention that we’ll be on vacation during Lag B’omer.  At least that’s what the Jewish bloggers are saying.  I had to go read about it on my blog, because I forget what stuff is, from year to year.  (Too new to Judaism, still…!)  Anyhow, now I have to do some calculating, to see if it’s true.  Actually, I have to do some calculating to figure out which day of the Omer is Lag B’omer, and if it offsets Flood Day, or something.  These things are complex, and I just don’t have a handle on them.

What else?  Oh!  Brian got a weird phone call.  His friend (he does side work for him) told him about a shop that’s going to be going up for sale – employees, machines, and all! – and asked if Brian’s interested in buying it.  It’s ONLY $850K.  Is he out of his mind?!  There’s no way we have a million dollars just sitting around to invest in a shop!  We don’t even have the $25K we need to put an addition on the house, hello.  But I personally think this guy wants the shop, and was ‘if wishes were horses’-ing about it.  I think he’s unhappy where he is, and wants out, and was ‘if only’ talking… and just needed someone to ‘if only’ talk, with.

Interestingly, Brian confided that he would someday like to have his own shop – but his dream is a lot smaller – he’d like to have a shop with our boys.  Apprentice them, get them in the trade, help them along, and then work with them.  I’d never even considered such a thing, and I’ll tell ya… it kind of pulls at my heartstrings to hear it.  It’s sweet, you know?  So anyhow, that was interesting!  (And you know who’d end up secretary and administrative, right?  Am I right?)  😛  *giggles!*

Anyhow, today…!  It’s huge.  HUGE.  I have to empty my camera and charge the batteries all the way up. We need to hair, make-up, and costume prep.  It’s going to be a CRAZY night, but luckily Brian will come after work and get the boys from the auditorium, so they’ll only have to sit/watch for an hour or so.  (<< They’ll protest and beg to stay and see it, but if they do, then they’re not as interested on recital day in sitting still.)  I’ll be gone with Lydia until closer to 10pm… late for supper, but we’ll survive.  And I hope I don’t mess up my make-up on my camera!  (Although it’s just Dress Rehearsal – the make-up doesn’t have to be gorgeous until tomorrow.

Can I admit to being a little nervous?  Well… just a little.  I’ve been on stage countless times, singing and dancing, piano recitals (not to mention acting and directing).  I’ve done line dance, country dance, belly dancing, square dancing, and more.  I’m not afraid of the stage or the costumes or the lights or the audience… I’m more afraid because I can’t cover mistakes, in this, so well.  Well… being ‘grannies’, we can flub and pass it off as senility, yes, but… it’s not like I have an entire show to prove myself, like usual.  This is four minutes, and those four minutes make or break everything.  A lot is riding on a little time.  That’s the part that makes me nervous.  There’s no time in which to win a crowd.  More, it’s ALL dancing, not a mix of singing, acting, and choreography.  It all hangs on my feet, and the ability to move those things the right way.  What if they’re like my hands, and don’t do what they’re supposed to?

Confession:  I sucked at piano performances.  I’d get up there, and the keys…!  They suddenly all looked the same, and my brain lost the configuration of the movements, and I couldn’t remember the pieces, and I’d panic.  Not so acting – I’m good with words – any words.  But my fingers are completely unreliable (<< it’s different in churches, where people are singing and distracted, or it’s just ‘background’ and nobody’s paying attention.  But I didn’t even really like that, because of performance anxiety from my college days).  I figured the words are already RIGHT there, in my brain.  But the fingers are a long way to send messages, and my body can’t handle the distance.

So what if my feet prove to be as unreliable as my fingers?  They’re even farther from the brain than my fingers are!  What if I totally hose everything, get up there and there’s… nothing?  I’m panicking, already, you realize this, right?  I mean, Lydia is SO GOOD at dancing.  She’s been doing this since she was three.  I’ve been doing this since January.  And I’m older now than any other performance time – what if my message-ways from brain to toes are atrophied?!?!?!  What if I’m too old to remember anything at all?!  ((<< I always wondered about that, with older actors.  How do they remember the lines, once age and forgetfulness set in?!))

Yes, well.  There’s my panic attack for the day.  The rest will be suppressed and shoved down and silenced somewhere in the back of my head, and we’ll just fudge our way thru this thing, right?  That’s the only thing to do.  I really do wish that I were back row skank-ho, though.  Front stage and in full view would be a bad place to be, should brain freeze occur.  [[[[[ yikes!!! ]]]]

Just remember [me, not you]… this is it.  Just three more times with the group, and it’s OVER.  (<< Three, because there’s rehearsal, and then I’m lucky enough to be in BOTH recitals.  Lydia’s only in the first one.  Can you believe that horse poo?!)  But just THREE times.  It could be like a mantra.  And thank goodness three as a number is divine.  😉

And after that?  We get to lace up the hiking boots, meander our way down thru Indiana, and go traipse around, chasing waterfalls and nature trails, seeing bridges and castles and monuments and… just being away and at peace, with joy.  THAT’s the end goal.  And that prize will make today and tomorrow worth it.

Oh My Good Gracious – I just remembered – we have a FIELD TRIP this morning!!  I’ve got to go!

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