´¯`•. September 08, 2016

I am a ROCK, I am an Island

I don’t know how I get myself into these things.  Actually, I’m putting it all on the Lord.  He’s the one who has the whole *conviction* thing.  I really don’t get into all of that.  I’m preoccupied with guilt, and don’t need anything to complicate life beyond that.  But then along comes the announcement that homeschool group is meeting again, and the first meeting of the new school year IS TONIGHT… and a little voice whispers, You should go.

More than once.
All day long.  Insistently.

WHY?  Why do I need to go?  I don’t see any reason I should go.  I don’t know them.  I don’t trust them.  I’m pretty sure that if I knew them, a) I wouldn’t like them, and b) they wouldn’t like me.  I don’t need support.  I don’t care what other moms do.

ON THE OTHER HAND…  it seems only fair that if I’m going to be on the FB page and in the group, I should attend at least one meeting, right?  Yes.  And while you’re at it, you have stuff you were going to just give to Goodwill that’s educational.  You should take it to the free table.  <<< You see?!  Just like that.  That’s uncalled for.

So I haul out my usual excuses.  I don’t do people.  People don’t do me.  It never ends well.  I don’t benefit from it.  They drive me crazy and Jeezus me half to death.  Nobody wants to hear what I have to say, anyhow.  They’re patronizing.  I’d rather not get into what I do: it’s good for me, and I’m happy.  Self-sufficient in my homeschooling world.  Everything is good and right and I. don’t. need. this.

But the insistence…!!  Okay!  Fine.  It’s the first meeting.  I’ll go and get it over with.  Don’t have anything going tonight, it’s a good time to get it out of the way, and then I did my part, right?  Right.  I’d be obedient, and the Lord would let me alone.  This has been done before, with similar outcomes.

So!  This evening I went to homeschool group.  Brian told me it’s good for me, and I might as well get my annual attendance out of the way.  So I showered, did up my hair, nails and make-up (seriously?!?!) and went to homeschool group.  And oddly?  It felt like I was supposed to be there.  WHY?  He still didn’t answer, but there I was… and then things started happening.

First, they only gave the first two field trips of the year.  (((GROAN.)))  Neither of which we really want to do… the first is to a business I’ve sworn never to patronize.  (<< I got the displeasure of meeting the owner in a business meeting a decade ago, and he was the most arrogant, horrible jackass you can imagine.)  The second field trip is to a petting farm.  Um… I have ducks, chickens, rabbits, goats, cats, dogs, fish… there are seven chicks in my bathtub.  I can pet farm animals while peeing, if I so choose, hello.  There’s no point to going to a petting farm when we have one in the back yard.  So that means in November I have to go back to group.  Which oddly doesn’t sound so bad.  Why not start really attending?  Seriously?  I don’t think so.  It’d end badly.  You don’t know that.  If You’re thinking I’m going to be hopeful, You should know better.  Times past and experiences previous, speaking.  I swear, Yehovah can smirk.

And hey – if you’re going to be coming back in November, why not sign up for snacks or drinks for that month?  How about because I don’t eat or drink at the meetings?  But you’re capable, and it’s the nice thing to do, and you always do the nice thing.  Sometimes?  The Lord just doesn’t play fair, I’ll have you know.  Shockingly, the next thing I know?  I’m signing up for drinks for November.  Looks like I’m coming back at least for that meeting…  :/

Then – instead of breaking off into random configurations of women into small groups? – they assign us a small group for the year.  These ladies are our new circle of friends.  We’re accountable to each other.  We’re to pray for each other, get together with each other…  See?  They have no choice.  That’s cruel hard on them, Lord.  What are you DOING!?!?!

And there I was, in small group, supposed to tell them how my homeschooling is.  I’m fine.  I love what I do, I love how we do it, I’ve been at it twelve years and figured it all out, it’s good.  It’s none of your business.  I’m really alright.

And then we’re supposed to say something about our homeschooling mindset, as to why we chose to homeschool.  Look, I explain.  I have ‘I can do it better’ syndrome, that’s all.  I went to public school.  I saw what they do.  I can do it better.  So I homeschool and do it better.  (<< Does that sound arrogant?  Whoops.  I’m not arrogant.  I’m satisfied, that’s all.)

Then we’re supposed to share what we need in support.  I don’t need support.  The truth is, I’m difficult.  I’m anti-social.  I still can’t figure out why I’m here, except a) I feel obligated to attend if I’m going to go on the field trips… which I’m not… so… b) basically I’m here because Ha’Shem told me to be, and this is grudging obedience that’s not working so well for me.  Because of the discomfort of having to talk to these women, and because of the guilt of not being with my family.

As for ‘support’?  I don’t know what that means.  I grew up military… if I wasn’t moving, the ‘friends’ and students around me were.  People don’t stay.  My dad walked… TWICE.  My mom is out of our lives.  Brian’s parents are 8 years long gone.   My aunt walked, two of my BFFs walked… People leave.  So honestly I’m good on my own.  I know how to take care of my gang, and it works.

God just grinned.  Because He knew what my husband figured out, the moment I related all of this at home.  You just came off as their newest project.  Good gravy, NO!  I wasn’t saying those things so that they could take up a challenge, I was explaining why I was going to piss them off, shut them out, and (hopefully after November) not come back.  It wasn’t a ploy, it was honestyI’m just not that into you.  It’s me, not you.  Isn’t that what you’re supposed to say when there’s a disastrous relationship in the making?

Except that the book they’re studying this time actually sounds kind of interesting.  (<< I’m suspecting the Lord is messing with my head and putting these thoughts into my mind.)  The question is, WHY?  One of the ladies suggested that I was there for them and not for me.  I’m… not sold on that, personally.

And unlike the last two or three years that I made an annual schlep to a meeting, I didn’t come away screaming in frustration, hissing obscenities, and pissed as all get-out.  What is that?  Am I losing my touch?  Or am I seriously supposed to go back?

Not sure.  We’ll find out what blue italicized writing makes it’s way into my head come October.  Because without it?  I’m planning on staying home.

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1 Comment

  1. Natasha

     /  September 9, 2016

    I think you were indeed there to help them. To challenge their views on educating their children, to share your years of experience, to be an example of not giving up, and staying motivated. I also think that you were meant to be there to meet this group. Give them a chance. You don’t need to agree with anything they say, but you can still have a good time.


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