´¯`•. April 02, 2017

Living Differently IV

There are a bunch of homeschool blogs out there that post every Friday about a *word* that is their *word* of the week.  This annoys me.  Nobody should have a word of the week – and it shouldn’t be a canned *word* that everyone is given, like an assignment.  There should be whole volumes by the end of the week.  Words pouring out from every crack and crevice.   Words are constantly flowing from me… but the past few months, I’ve been swallowing them back down, keeping everything inside.  Or (as of this past week) writing it out and making it inaccesibly public – an oxymoron, that.  Or writing it out and letting only the people who have cozied up close(r) have access via the password I use every private post on this blog.

But I’ve been kind of pondering a word over the past few weeks/months, and a book I read this morning (yes, I’ve been up since 5am) kind of drove it even more home for me.  The word is ‘Self-centric’.  It’s hyphenated, so feel free to call me on this not actually being a single word, or even a word, at all.  It’s more a concept that’s been bothering me, anyhow.  A concept wrapped up in a word, perhaps?  A concept described by a word?

Yes, well.  Anyhow.

I am constantly worried that I’m too self-centric.  Does anyone else do this?  Now, I know what my role is on this earth.  At this point, I’m:

a) here to worship/magnify the attributes of Yehovah Elohim,
b) here to be a helpmeet to my spouse
c) here to raise up my children in the way that they should go
d) here to support others in their search for Truth.

Which is why I housewife, homeschool, blog, post Photos of the Day, and spend entirely too much time trying to increase the knowledge, wonder, excitement, spirituality, and creativity around me.  I have too many people who rely on me to get distracted with what I want.  There is work to do.  It’s never-ending.  It’s exhausting, at times.  I’m not sure I’m a good person for the job – I fail on too many levels, and too regularly.  Which means, basically, that I don’t have time to worry about me, anyhow.  Right?

And typically, I feel guilty whenever I go all self-centric.  Asking for an evening to go swimming was HARD on me, when I did it.  It was self-centric.  It was wrong.  This is probably why I’ve talked myself out of going anymore (although that cold, cold, icy cold water that seizes up the musculature that I’m there to stretch also factors in, and greatly).  But the fact is, if I go swim, I’m not there for my husband.  I’m not there for my children.  I’m putting me first, and that’s not how I know I’m supposed to be.

But then I wonder… do other women have this?  They can’t – they have their jobs, their lives.  They shuffle their kids off to holding (ahem, educational) facilities five out of seven days a week, all day long.  They have girls night outs, and book clubs, homeschool support groups, and Pound classes.  They Bible studies, roller derby and shopping trips.  And I wonder how they can do that without the guilt.  How?!!!!  It’s easy to attribute it to a breakdown in society, in the family structure, but it’s more personal than that, isn’t it?  It’s self-centric living.  Is there something wrong with me that I can’t possibly imagine a life like that?

Is there something wrong with me that I’m pondering the topic of being self-centric at all??

And is being so fixated with this problem a sign that I am self-centric?  That I want something and feel guilty about it, so in that… I’m being selfish?  Maybe I shouldn’t want at all.  Maybe that’s my downfall?  I don’t know.  But it feels wrong that this topic is even circling in my head.  I’m pretty sure other women don’t sit and contemplate the selfish verses selfless natures at war within themselves.  Is that a sign that I’m messed up, or that THEY are, for not even registering it?  And is it a good thing that I worry about the women of the world, and where their heads are in the game?  I don’t know.

I think lately I’ve had a lot of needs not met.  That’s the problem.  Because when I recognize that needs are not being met, then I’m wanting needs to be met, and wanting is being selfish, and selfish is not selfless, and then I’m guilty of desiring something FOR ME when I should be focused on desiring more FOR THEM.  (See above list.)  And being needy is a self-centric thing, isn’t it?  And anyhow, I can’t get what I need, and would never ask for what I need, because it’d be asking for something that feels (to me) like it should be a basic right of a person in any sort of relationship… it’s wrong, right?

GAH.  This is why I need to either a) protect my posts, or b) not blog at all.  Tamp it down, swallow back the words.

I believe I may be on the verge of becoming depressing.  Is it okay to blame it on the weather and walk away?  Because frankly, I think that might be the only course of action, at this point in time.  Well… barring a rapture, but that just makes you roll your collective eyes, doesn’t it?  And besides, isn’t it self-centric to constantly wish to be ‘taken away’ from this?  Isn’t that what my retractors have always said?  Isn’t it selfish of me to seek something that I truly want?  And isn’t that bringing me full circle back to the question?
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2 Comments

  1. Catherine Miller

     /  April 6, 2017

    This: Because when I recognize that needs are not being met, then I’m wanting needs to be met, and wanting is being selfish, and selfish is not selfless, and then I’m guilty of desiring something FOR ME when I should be focused on desiring more FOR THEM. (See above list.) And being needy is a self-centric thing, isn’t it?

    Sums up MY thinking exactly. You nailed it!
    I suppose it’s ok to do some “me-time” things… but I feel bad about it… and there are usually consequences when I get home…
    Alas…

    Reply
  2. Emily

     /  April 7, 2017

    I wonder what your mark in the world would if your magnificent mind had gone in a direction other than obsessive religion.

    Reply

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