´¯`•. July 05, 2017

Harley Quinn Pigtails are Evil

NoTe:  I’m just posting my e-mail to my penpal, as a blog.  You’ll see why.

Greetings, Aaron.
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Well, I hope that your holiday weekend was nice.  I took a couple extra days from writing, mostly out of necessity – when my guy is home, we tend to go and do a lot more.  I’m not on-line as much.  And I get distracted by real life.  I know right – what unmitigated gall!!!!   Yeah.  I am sorry about that.
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It was a severely crazy four days for us, building as it went.  And I can’t say I came out the other side unscathed.
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To begin with, my guy came home Friday night and laid it on me that he took Monday as a vacation day.  “Because all the other guys were doing it,” was the excuse.  And why were all of the other guy doing it?  Because the shop was giving them the day off, unpaid.  So I get it – by taking a vacation day, they get paid for being off.  But KNOWING THAT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A FOUR-DAY WEEKEND MORE THAN THREE HOURS IN ADVANCE WOULD’VE BEEN NICE!!!!!   I was kind of upset.  Okay, I was a dragon.  I was irate – because you can’t make plans for *anything* to happen with three hours notice… FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND.  **Sigh!!!**
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(Okay, and in my defense, I didn’t know it, but I was one-day-to-my-period… and on occassion – when it’s gonna be a HARD one, I turn into a dragon the day before.  I go OFF, and it’s extreme, for me.  And this happened.  As soon as I started, I apologized vehemently (and *stop* laughing, it’s more pitiful than funny… funny is coming, yet).  My guy always laughs his HINEY off at me, when I sidle in sheepishly and have to eat crow for the whole dragon thing.  In my defense, I *was* seriously pissed off, though.  It’s not often we have FOUR DAYS in a row, you know.  I hate wasting them.
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So I grabbed a dry-erase slate (I’m a *homeschool mom*), split it into four days, morning, afternoon, evening, and night, and started scheduling.  Over breakfast, Saturday morning.  The family usually watches in awe, as I put the universe in order.  This was no different.
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Saturday…?  We did nothing terribly out of the ordinary.  Brian worked in the morning.  We had Shabbat in the afternoon.  Then we hung out for a long time – just being here, y’know?  We went to town in the evening for shakes and ny-lock nuts and carriage bolts, to sturdy up our canoe rack.  But that was it.
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Sunday was the start of things.  We loaded up the bikes, and went to Riley Trails, which is a mountain bike course that the internet ASSURED me was good for beginners.  To be honest?  I was nervous.  Even done up as Harley Quinn – I pained my nails red/blue alternating, and had high twin pigtails (I planned to chalk the ends for the Fourth of July, later).  But with my really long, light blonde hair and bright red lips?  Harley Quinn.  My kids *LOVED* it.
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The trail was incredibly beautiful – and freakin’ crazy.  Some of the places were only wide enough for handlebars to fit through.  It wound all OVER the place, and was kind of insane.  It was a WORK. OUT for me – I was so red in the face and hot…!!  Anyhow, there were two other people on the trail with us, an older man who kind of left his significant other (SO) to go zip around and do his own thing, and the SO lady, who was kind of slow and clunky, but nice.  We met up with her once, and she warned us that there was this horrible down-hill that was super steep with tons of roots, and the trick was to stay to the right side.  I was nervous.  Most if it was already HARD for me.  This hill sounded bad.
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When we got there, she was on it.  No, I mean, she’d crashed, and she was down.  Her arm was bent at an unnatural angle.  She couldn’t get up.  She said she heard it snap – that she’d broken her elbow.  So we called her SO on our cellphone (‘Hi, my name is Anna, I’m the lady on the bike trail with all of the kids…?  The lady you’re with is down and hurt badly, can you come to the big nasty down hill, please?’).  And we helped him get her up, get it braced, and then took her bike back to the parking lot – which meant our ride was over, but at least we were THERE, and only a minute or two behind her.  Otherwise, it might’ve been a long time before anyone found her.
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We were in the parking lot, Brian helping the man to load their bikes, when my BFF called.  She and Grace were going to the lake, and we were invited to come along.  So we had just enough time to have lunch at McD’s, drive back from Holland to our house, change into swimsuits and slather with sunscreen, and grab tubes.  Then – bikes still behind one vehicle! – we were off in the other vehicle to the lake!
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We had a nice time, floating and talking and swimming with them, until these wicked dark clouds rolled in, and they chilled the air quickly – so we got out, raced home, and got there just in time to get the bikes unloaded and put in the barn before it POURED rain.
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We had supper, and it POURED… so we just settled in with M*A*S*H*, which the kids were super thrilled about.  I have weird kids, you know this?!
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Monday was Isaac’s 14th Birthday, and I had talked him into going to the museum.  Mostly because we have a membership until the end of August, so it’s FREE, and partly because they have SpacePark 360 back at the planetarium (part of the museum, so also free, and we LOVE that show!) and they had MindBender Mansion – a huge exhibit of puzzles that you solve to gain ‘genius’ status.
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Mindbender was fun, but it was a PAIN, because there were so many people there.  STUPID people, who couldn’t find their way out of a room with three doorways.  HomiGAWSH, we had to wait… and wait… and wait… for people to try to figure out the puzzle we needed, next in that room (to get the password to let us progress to the next room)… and half the time, the people n.e.v.e.r. got the puzzle.  But they spent a good 15 minutes tying it up, and it was crazy annoying.  And we’d go up, and between the seven of us, have it in a matter of a minute or two.  Not bragging, just saying that Brian, Lydia, Isaac, and I all love puzzles.  There were only two that we had to get help with, in the end, out of something like fifty puzzles.
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Then we went to lunch, hit the movie store (Isaac wanted to see ‘The Lego Batman‘ movie), and the grocery store for his birthday cake.  There was time, so I had Brian get out the mower, and I mowed the lawn.  Then they watched the movie.  I tried – but it was SO. STUPID.  I couldn’t stand it.  But the kids were *squealing* in the other room when Agent Smith came on, and again when they played Rick Astley.  (((Don’t ask.)))   You loved the movie, didn’t you?  My guy did.  He sat there, laughing like crazy.
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And then came Fourth of July.  We elected not to go to the morning parade (too lazy/too many peoples), and instead the boys helped Brian work on the trailer, getting it ready for our trip.  Lots of bolt-work, on that.  I painted my toenails red/blue, and had Lydia help me get a straight part for my Harley Quinn pigtials.  I made picnic food for our supper, but we had lunch at home… and then around four we took off with the canoes to Charlton Park (where we saw the WWI thing?).   At the WWI thing, we found out there was good canoeing along there, so I wanted to try it, even though it was a serious drive from home.  We launched in Thornapple Lake, and had left one vehicle in downtown Hastings, at the park.  The internet said it was a three-hour trip from Charlton Park to Hastings, so we were going to give it a try.
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Except that, as we were launching the canoes, I got sunscreen in my contact lens.  It *HURT*.  At the beginning of this trip that was three hours.  So I thought maybe my tears would wash it out, as we went along, right?  So we kept on with the trip.  And it BURNED.  And it HURT.  And my nose ran, and my eye watered… and watered… and watered…  It was a beautiful trip, but I didn’t see any of it.  I was just HURTING.  And rubbing it.  And hurting.  And lotion… if you rub it on the side of a glass, and put it under water, does it come off?  Nope.  It was THERE.  And after two and a half hours, it was more than I could STAND, anymore.  I couldn’t see.  I hurt. so. bad, Aaron.  So I took the contact lens out, and… then I did THE stupidest thing.
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Many years ago, I was on a canoe trip up north, and my contact had problems, so I’d taken it out, ‘rinsed’ it in my own saliva out of necessity, and put it back in with spit.  It worked.  So I was going to attempt the same thing, on this trip – HOPING it’d help.  It just hurt so badly…!!
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And I swallowed my contact lens.
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Oh, gosh, PLEASE don’t laugh.  I mean, initially it was funny, until I realized that it suctioned to the back of my tongue, and was stuck in the back of my throat.  I could TOUCH it with my finger, but I couldn’t reach it, and it was STUCK.  And then it shifted, and was *poking* the soft in the area where tongue and throat met – and it *H.U.R.T*.  This on top of my burning eye.  So I thought, dammit, if I can make myself throw up (gross as that is), I can get it out, and… well, contacts are *expensive*.  (You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?)  So there I was, in a canoe, half-blind with a throbbing, swollen eye, contact lens jammed into my throat and poking me, and I’m trying to make myself vomit.  And it’s NOT. WORKING.  All I brought up was blood, which scared the shit out of me.
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It was insanity.  You should’ve seen the faces of my poor, poor offspring.
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And at that point, the ONE person in my boat who *could* see to row, stopped telling me which way to paddle to steer, and ran us head-first into a BRIDGE.  INTO. A. BRIDGE.  Which, I should add, was about 100ft from a massive pavilion filled with about 200 people, there to here a band play patriotic songs for the holiday.  Which I can’t see, because my eyes are just RUNNING with water, I’ve been half knocked to the bottom of the boat, I’m choking on a contact lens, and all of this, done up like Harley Quinn.
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Could it GET ANY WORSE?!?!?!?!?!?!?
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So we continued.  What else could we do?  Another half an hour, this way.  My eye had no relief, from removing the contact – it was in pitiful shape.  And we landed, I helped pull the canoes out… and (((wait for it))) my partner wanted me to DRIVE BACK AND GET THE BOAT TRAILER.  I said, “We’re going to the emergency room.  NOW!”  Good god, I had *issues*, the boats could wait!
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Yes, I sat in the ER on the Fourth of July.  For an HOUR.  During which, the contact lens (naturally) finally broke suction or caught enough swallowed saliva to go down – but I don’t *know* this, because it still hurts like mad.  But the doctor comes in, gags me with a tongue depressor, says it’s gone and that I’m ‘abraded pretty well’ in there, prescribes soft foods, and walks away.
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I can’t see.  I’ve got a screaming, SCREAMING headache, and my throat feels like there’s a poker in it.  Luckily, I keep ibuprofen in the car, so I got some pills (which helped the eye pain, but not the constant weeping).  By now, it’s dusk.  We’re missing fireworks.  I’m SOOOOOO sorry.  And I have yet to drive home – with one blind eye, the other barely staying open, and a screaming headache.  In the dark.  Pulling canoes.
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Insanity.
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So yeah.  I’m blaming the pigtails.  I think they’re evil.  TWO DAYS of my life, I wore them, and both days involved grievous bodily injury.  Today my eyes are weeping like mad, and aspirin doesn’t touch the headache, but Allieve helps, some.  But I can’t see for the tears, and half the time I’ve got to just close my eyes.  The throat is sore, but what do you do?  I just gave the kids off school, and we watched ‘Batman Begins’ (with my eyes closed).  Brian had half a day, anyhow – the hook-up man came at 2pm to hook up the new machine in our barn, so he took off work to be here for that.
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I’m embarrassed and angry at myself, and don’t even want to BLOG about it – how can I admit how STUPID I am?!?!?  “I swallowed a contact lens.”  That sounds ridiculous, you realize this, right?  And so petty… but it really, really wasn’t.  It was stupid.  Only *I* can achieve that level of insanity and moronic experience.  I… there… no words.
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Okay, well, that was a LOT of typing, and a lot of looking at a screen.  It’s your turn – I’m gonna go lay down and close my eyes, and you can step up to bat and tell me how much less traumatic your holiday weekend was.
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Anna
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