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Respecting Choices
My aunt can’t understand it. Her son had chosen to quit his job, to sell his truck, motorcycle and home and take off to live in a redneck hole not far from Cadillac… in a teepee. No heat, no running water, no money. He planned to build and sell log cabins. Naturally, my aunt and uncle protested. He had a good job. A nice cottage on the lake. His truck was new, and he had a Harley. It was stupid. Insane. He didn’t even know how to build a cabin, for goodness sakes!! And he has no money now. No income. Nothing. They got angry. They fought with him. They told him he was an idiot. And this wasn’t the first time this had happened – when he got tattoos, they went off on the same tirade, blasting him, making him sit thru lectures and berating him for doing such a thing. Anyhow, he left. And now, sitting across from me, my aunt tells me that she feels bad because he’s asked everyone up to see the new cabin… except her. He won’t talk to her. He won’t come around anymore. She’s hurt by this.
But really, do you blame him? It’s his life. His mistakes to make. His choices to choose. And they tried to rob him of them. Belittled him for them. Ranted and raved angrily over them. Honestly… if it had been you, would you go back to that? Put yourself in his place. It’s his life. Would you welcome that kind of thing? Would you want to hear it again? Would you expect them to do anything more than disapprove of you?
My aunt wanted to know what I thought. I knew the truth – he’s in it for the party time. He likes a good high, likes to get drunk and fish. He likes the freedom, the ‘I’m different’ aspect of it. And yeah, it was dumb to leave his job. It was dumb to sell his truck and motorcycle. It’s not terribly smart to dive in without your ducks in a row. But it’s not my life. It’s his choice, and I have no say in it… so I can only let him do his thing and let him know that I understand that he gets to make the choices he feels best for him. He knows what’s right and wrong… there’s nothing I am gonna say that will change his mind, y’know? I’m not about to lie – I’ll tell him I don’t think it’s the smartest thing to do, but it’s not my decision to make, dude.
Amazingly, he called and came over – to my house!- me, a married older female cousin – more than he went home in the past six months. Why? Because he knew when he told me his accomplishments, I would be enthusiastic. I might not agree with what he did or what he’s doing, but he’s a person, and he’s my friend as well as my cousin, and they’re not my choices to make. And because I respect his freedom, his choice… he’s kewl with it.
What I don’t understand is the astounding amount of Christians who can’t respect another person’s choices. You see it all the time. Some overzealous mission-minded Christian who has to bring up a verse or something about church every time their friend comes around who’s a nonChristian. They are always looking for a ‘window’, an ‘opportunity’ to insert something. After all, it is their Christchun Duty to convert the lost, to save souls, to win lives for the Lord, right?
Wrong. I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong. The only one who can save a soul is Christ. The only one who can convert the lost is Christ. And you can’t force a person to do something they don’t want to. That they’re not called to. Yes, I’m as serious as a heart attack. If God hasn’t got it planned for that person to accept Him, nothing you can say or do is gonna change that. No amount of praying is gonna soften that heart. Sorry. And do you think that your bugging and pestering and verse dropping and so on is gonna make that person want to be around you? Hello – !!! You aren’t respecting his or her choice. You suck – you’re pushy, demanding, and they don’t need that shit in their lives. They know what you believe, they know where to get it if they want it… enough already!! You don’t have to kill a dead horse.
Jesus didn’t do it, either. Once a young man came to Him (in Mark 10) and asked what he had to do to gain eternal life? When Jesus told him, he “was sad at that saying and went away grieved”. Jesus didn’t keep at the young man, telling him again, coaxing him, mentoring him, working him over, trying to keep him there… he simply let the man go. He respected the guy’s choice – even if it wasn’t the choice Christ wanted for him. He knew that nothing He could do would change the man’s mind or decision. And He let it go at that. Why can’t we? I mean, I give you the truth here on this site. If you don’t like it, you know where the door is (or you can bypass that entry or not comment), and that’s your choice. I’m not gonna follow you to your site and lambast you with verses or drop Christianese phrases around you. You know what you want to do. It’s your decision, and nothing I do or say can change that. Christ can – the Spirit can make HUGE changes in your heart, but I can’t do a damn thing, and I know it. To try – to foist my faith and beliefs on you – would be to disrespect your choice, and shut off a good friendship that doesn’t need to be killed. That’s just dumb.
Now I’m not talking about other beliefs, here. If you hold to a different belief system and disagree with me, while that’s your choice and I can respect that and not foist mine on you, it will mean separating myself from you. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. But if you aren’t at odds with me, why would I use faith as a bludgeoning tool? And even in the case of different beliefs, I still respect the fact that you’ve made your choice. And I’m kewl with it because not being kewl with it won’t change anything, anyhow – it’s YOUR choice, not mine. I just cannot associate with false beliefs that might hurt my walk and/or my testimony.
Anyhow… choices. I’m just doing a lot of thinking about these things these days….
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garfette
/ July 6, 2005I agree, Anna. Badgering someone will only push them away. We gotta plant seeds, not hover over them making sure they sprout and digging them up to see if they’ve started growing yet.
I am making some choices in my life right now. Big ones. I can only pray that people will know that these are choices I have thought on for at least 4 years. And I pray that they will not badger me, either.
Thank you for the inciteful blog.
JennyG
/ July 6, 2005I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shut down simply because someone was bashing my brain with a bible. You said this so well, Anna… and coming from you (with the fervent beliefs that you have) makes it all the more well-said.
FKIProfessor
/ July 6, 2005“Choices” is your topic today. I saw the second and third Matrix movies in the last 24 hours. Choices was the theme of the third movie. When I get time I’m looking forward to reading your write ups on that those movies.
farmerswife
/ July 6, 2005Wow. You’ve made me respect you alot more with that. As set in your beliefs as you are, I had, in real life, expected you to be the one to try to convert others. And that to me, like jennyG, is a turn off.
I know I’ve managed to keep my mouth shut to the person themself about choices made. Afterall, it’s there choice. My hubby and I might say to each other how stupid it is, but I know I wouldn’t go off to their face. Yes, I guess I like to talk behind their backs about it. But I hope that even though its a decision I don’t agree with, that all turns out allright in the end.
I don’t know if I could take a decision like that lying down if it were my own children. Cousins and friends, yes. But I guess with our children, we feel that if they make a bad (or what we think is a bad) decision, it’s a direct reflection on the way we raised them. And since it is your child, you (or at least I) feel that as the mom, I need to state my mind. I don’t know what I would do if it were my child. Something to think about, I guess. Would I shut up and see what happens, or come out and say what a bad decision it is?
letseewhatthiswilldo
/ July 6, 2005:no: this is about my guitar isnt it. you dont like it? what you dont like music?
brendaemerson3
/ July 6, 2005You are right. The only one who can save a soul is Christ. If I could save anyone the whole world would be saved already.:rolleyes:
dustmite
/ July 6, 2005:thumbsup:
I totally agree.
I especially agree too,, cause its just him..
Now i might be a tad irked if he was dragging his children and wife into it.. again its their choice.. but I may be more tempted to be MORE bothered by the change… anyhow.. yeah its his choice it works for him.. leave him be…
it would also be a different story if hes had a history of doing this kinda thing.. it bites him in the ass and he runs back to HIS mom and dad to bail him out …
Anna
/ July 6, 2005Charles: WHAT?!?!?! Praytell, what in the WORLD does a guitar have to do with this?!FWIW, I *majored* in piano performance (aka MUSIC) in college.((I. can’t. think. like. that…))
Jenny: The same thing has happened with my mom – trying to force me to do things I don’t want to do. I know firsthand that it’s the same with parents/children. I’m not saying I wouldn’t disagree, and as long as they were under my roof, they would abide by my rules, but once their on their own, there’s *nothing* ‘speakin’ your mind’ is gonna do to change things… except put a chasm between you and the grown son/daughter.
Dustmite: Do you think that having a wife/kids would make a difference to him? I didn’t add this, but he’s *not* doing this alone – his older brother quit the Fire Department job he had, sold his house, and is in it with Steve – taking along his wife and two little girls. Do you think that my aunt and uncle getting on their cases changed anything? Not a bit. You couldn’t change it even if Steve had kids involved. Again, it only creates a chasm. Think about it…
BeeyondSight
/ July 6, 2005Just stopped by to say “Hi”….. Glad to hear good news about the Land!!! We will pray that the Lord makes the path straight and clear as you all proceed forward!Love, Bee
mcsms
/ July 6, 2005I have nothing against what you are saying. Also, I am not saying that anyone but God can save a soul but I also know that God doesn’t want any to perish.
Just_a_Rose_of_Sharon
/ July 6, 2005:thumbsup: I am really surprised actually, and in the pleasant way. Sometimes I feel as though I am not fulfilling my BIG CHRISTIAN DUTY because I refuse to go out and choke people to death with the Bible. If someone has a question or shows an interest, I love to talk about Christ, but I don’t believe in trying to force people to say “the prayer.” Thank you for being a good, sensible person. Good luck with the land!
dorelynn
/ July 7, 2005A-m-e-n Anna! :yes:
You blogged about so many relatives I have and why my mother doesn’t understand why her son will not call her but has called his older sister for the last five years in a drunken rage, the morning of self-loathing afterward and fathering children out of wedlock while living in sin with a woman he refused to marry. The reason that still to this day at the age of 30 that her son refuses to call his mother for comfort, care, compassion, prayer and counsel but will call his older sister. That older sister being myself. It is why my mother doesn’t have the closest of relationships with her daughter after her divorce and why her daughter would call her older sister at 2am from another state in the Lower 48 somewhere bawling because she had sex with someone just to be “held” or “nurtured” afterward only to be bitterly disappointed that his alcoholic stupor sent them sawing logs in the land of Nod. It is why her youngest daughter called her older sister when she found out she was pregnant out of wedlock before she dared to tell either one of her divorced parents. It is why her daughter calls her older sister for encouragement and strength in the struggle to turn her life around to Christ while being a single mother. That older sister being myself. I’ll spare you the rest of my relative’s story. {sigh} It is also the reason that my husband chose me out of so many other women though I am in a very difficult marriage. His parents sound like your Aunt Linda and there is always so much to undo on account of the “Aunt Linda’s” out there. :wink:
Preach on sister…let’s talk about Christchun Duty and how it’s a cancer to the Christian Community. :shame: Maybe we’ll convert more people to the right way of thinking and acting. :thumbsup:
ExDiastrepho
/ July 7, 2005Good call! “Christians” should have as much respect for the choices others make as Christ does!
Blogging_Friends
/ July 7, 2005Yessirree!!!! I agree….
Bible-thumping never draws anyone into a relationship with Christ. He is a gentleman, never forcing Himself on us. It’s a choice. If you want to know Him, read His Word. If you don’t…..well then just don’t. Up to you!
Anonymous
/ July 7, 2005LOL I know you were being serious in this post, but I was just wondering what’s more scary, when we disagree, or when we agree . I recently posted this:
Sometimes we have to speak the Gospel. This should always be done with the knowledge that we do not have the power to change a person’s heart. It is our duty to tell of the truth of Jesus Christ. When we have said our peace, then it is up to the other person whether to believe or not. This is the part that is so difficult. It is so easy to want to push until a person agrees with us, but the harder you push someone, the greater their fall in the other direction.
We must also remember souls are not trophies to be won. If anyone were to ask me how many people I have shared to Gospel with, I would say too many to count. If someone were to ask me how many people I have brought to Christ, I would have to say none. I am aware that it is not in my power to do so. To bring someone to Himself is something only God can do.
Man, can I relate with the chasm thing. I have been dealing with that stuff with my in-laws getting on Joe’s case for every choice he’s made since we’ve been together (long before that, I’m sure). They don’t think he’s responsible enough or capable enough to make decisions on his own. Hello!!! He’s a big boy and has been out of the house for over 11 years now. GET OVER IT!!! Every time I start getting over-stressed about having to move, thinking about being a few hours away from them cheers me up right quick.
Thanks for another great post, and for again reminding me I’m not dealing alone in this messed up world.
ChristianFrenzy
/ July 7, 2005Regarding your cousin: “We can never reach new horizons if we never dare to leave the shore.” I am frequently jealous of people who take big risks and gain big results….but alas, I was born with a “play it safe” instinct and while I could never do what your cousin did, I admire him for his sense of adventure. Without a sense of adventure we would all still be under the rule of a King and Queen somewhere. Regarding Bible Thumping: I agree, its never beneficial to drill the Word of God into an unsuspecting soul…but I do believe that as Christians we are called to let our light shine and if that means that in the normal course of conversation we feel called to share a story about what God has done or is doing in our lives I think its wrong not to share. The biggest asset to any Christian is being able to read a person and determine whether a subtle appraoch or a more overt approach or no approach at all is warranted. Jesus stood in public places and taught the Word, whoever stopped to listen did so by their own accord. By the same count, “dont throw pearls to swine”, if your “audience” is unreceptive, shut up and move on.
Kathy_Brickhouse
/ July 7, 2005:thumbsup:
I always get so much from reading your site. I don’t always comment, but I always read. I wish more Christians were the same as you. I don’t think we would have so many people scared to talk to us, thinking we may try to save their souls, right there on the spot.
GidgetPeke
/ July 7, 2005I know this much…people look at Christians’ actions much more than they hear what we have to say. I try very hard to witness by example than by mouth. Especially with my friends.
ChristinaMason
/ July 7, 2005totally agreed with you…
purcells
/ July 7, 2005With adult children it’s hard to keep one’s mouth shut. But I hope for the most part I do that unless my opinion is requested. We all have to learn some things by making mistakes and as a parent I am here to pray them through it all – not that I always know best. And what is or was right for me isn’t necessarily right for them. But God knows and He is able to teach them and carry them through plus He gracious to pick them up even though they may make some not so wise decisions. Heavens, we were extremely ignorant and unwise many times in our youth. I just shake my head when I think of it. :rolleyes:
ChristinaMason
/ July 7, 2005totally agreed with you, oh yeah, except for one point–I’m not a “christchun” or I don’t categorize myself or whatever but I do have a Christian background and all that, my beliefs are really abstract. If I do have a problem, it’s that no one will argue with me, because they have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about when I bring up symbolism or Gnostic gospels…..hmm…
but if your cousin ever has a question about Jesus, you know you’ll be the first one he’ll ask, I’m sure.
Sandcastles
/ July 8, 2005I’ve had to learn that lesson with my five grown children… they are adults and in charge of their own lives, responsible for their own choices. I stand by with love and encouragement and I’m here to help if I can, but no judgement and NO PREACHING. I know it’s the quickest way to build a wall between us.God can be (and is) an intricate part of our lives without shoving Him down people’s throats. Neither would I “hide” Him in order not to offend, and those who don’t realize this or don’t like it are not a part of my life — THEIR choice. I can’t describe how it feels when someone comes up to me and says, “I wasn’t going to talk to you because you’re a crischun, but you’re not like the others I’ve seen..” I cringe when I see someone shout, “Praise the Lord!” while introducing themselves to a stranger — and swiftly walk the other way as he/she chases the poor soul down the street… Zoiks!
Anonymous
/ July 9, 2005Wow, PREACH it, girl! Awesome insights. When I look at how Jesus interacted with those “People-Previously-Known-As-‘LOST’,” I notice that he was not a salesman but a friend. Friendship has no ulterior motive, and grants tremendous spaces for freedom. Keep up the good posts!